The Elf Diaries

Sometimes you just gotta do something for shits and giggles. For me, that has been working on and off as an elf with Santa. Here are my experiences over the years - hope you enjoy!

ELF DIARIES

2007 HOLIDAY SEASON

MONDAY:

Baby throws up on Santa

TUESDAY:

Super cute blue eyed, blonde haired 2 yr old girl comes in showing everyone her brand new cream colored dress. She sees Santa and decides she wants nothing to do with him. The photographer puts out a tiny chair for her to sit on - she likes chair. Unfortunately, dad places chair too close to Santa and little girl completely FREAKS OUT! She becomes incredibly angry and tries to pick up and throw the chair in a fit of rage but she is not strong enough. So she then turns on Santa and, hands like claws, goes for Santa’s face; managing to only get a hold of his beard. Her parents came running over and that was the end of their session.

WEDNESDAY:

Good looking mom comes in with 3 yr old daughter who first must have downed a can of coke and a snickers bar; she was all over the place. She really wanted to see Santa and kept running around the room getting in the way of the photographer. Then she approached me, ripped a button off of my elf vest and told her mom she wants a wheelchair of her own for Christmas.

FRIDAY:

Michael Elf (only elf who is a little person) is a thespian. He tells a story about his acting days on the road and how, during one performance of “The Wizard of Oz“, a candle was knocked over causing the set to burst into flames. The Wicked Witch passed out and the ’local vegetation’, innocently added to the set, also caught fire causing several of the audience members, including children, to become stoned. The next night the crew took underage Dorothy out clubbin and ended up getting arrested.

Later a little girl came in and was so scared of Santa she ran into a corner and attempted to shape shift - didn’t work as we could all still see her. Then a family with the last name, Voorhees, came in; my guess, they don’t find many babysitters.

SATURDAY:

Had the fucking day off.

SUNDAY:

Thought I had the fucking day off.

MONDAY:

Manager asked why I didn’t show up for work on Sunday…awkward. Got into trouble for bringing my knitting to work - elves knitting is not conducive to an appropriate working atmosphere.

Very cute 7 yr old baby dyke came in. How do I know she is a baby dyke? She was wearing a dress shirt, tie and blazer. Her mom says she has her own style…yeah mom, it’s called gay. Then found out one of the Santa’s quit; couldn’t take the pressure. Too bad as he was a big guy and very realistic looking. Grumpy Santa smiled today except he was still giving me dirty looks whenever I would introduce him to children with names like Cashmere, Ireland and Kippa.

TUESDAY:

Mrs. Claus took my job passing out candy canes in Santa’s warm workshop so I got stuck outside in the cold directing angry parents waiting in line…Mrs. Claus and I are no longer friends. Michael Elf was having his man-period and bitching about how no one was doing their jobs properly and how he had to do everything. Later, people in the workshop started noticing it was rather hot. Turns out a little bastard got bored waiting in line and had played with the thermostat - it was set at 90 degrees!

WEDNESDAY:

Showed initiative and vacuumed Santa’s Workshop. Also, bought much needed dog treats for all of the canine lovers who brought their dogs in for pictures, i.e. this day was boring.

THURSDAY:

Fell asleep with eyes open so no one would notice. Two small butch/femme girls came in and asked Santa for metal detectors for Christmas…whatever. Heard through the grapevine that a 1 yr old girl cried so hard on Santa’s lap that she threw up. TIP: if your kid is crying so hard they vomit, don’t make him/her sit on Santa’s lap…that’s just mean. Also, three elves quit today…not sure how to feel about this one. QUOTE OF THE DAY: “No one trusts anybody anymore. We’re all very tired.” (Kurt Russell in The Thing)

FRIDAY:

One of two twin boys peed on Santa’s lap. Also, objectified my managers sweet, sweet booty.

SATURDAY:

A mother complained about waiting in line for three hours. I showed her my customer service smile and reminded her, kindly, that it was Sunday, the busiest day to bring your kids in to see Santa…dumbass. A four year old girl waiting in line gave me the up/down look then asked if I was a girl. I said yes, then showed her my gigantic boobs. Took myself to a movie after my shift because I needed quiet time.

MONDAY:

Santa, in a mood, told a twelve year old girl that she wasn’t very smart. Received email from managers letting all of Santa’s helpers know that we had not received one complaint from parents which, apparently, had not happened in six years! This is a good feeling.

WEDNESDAY (Wednesday is a weird fucking word):

Got sick from co-worker and felt like ass all day. Parent came in with her Santa photo complaining that Santa’s genitalia was ruining the picture; she was right. Santa Bob had to hold a teddy bear between his legs the rest of the day; must have been an awkward conversation between him and the managers.

THURSDAY:

Still felt like ass.

FRIDAY:

Took a sick day.

SATURDAY:

Had the day off.

SUNDAY:

Missed the Seahawks game cause I was at my fun job. Decided I don’t like the John Lennon/Yoko Ono Christmas album because we have to listen to it all day…over and over and over again.

THURSDAY:

½ hour late to work because I don’t care anymore. Found a three year old boy in a suit/tie crawling around behind Santa’s couch playing ‘cave’ by himself (parents were absent). Two boys pointed out a number of miniature alcohol bottles in the Santa’s Lane garbage can; believe what you want.

A shall-remain-nameless Seattle columnist got wind of my Elf Diaries blog and outed it in The Stranger…had to quickly delete it before my employers found out and sued my ass for slander…lame.

FRIDAY:

½ hour late to work because I don’t care anymore. Insulted co-worker by telling her she is too young to get married after she, very excitedly, told all of us she just got engaged; she’s nineteen years old. I am a bitch.

SATURDAY:

Had the day off…stared at wall because I am losing my mind.

SUNDAY:

One hour late because I really don’t care anymore. Yet again insulted much younger co-worker because she has never seen the Charlie Brown Christmas Special - went into a holier-than-thou rant about how this generation is going into the toilet…got some dirty looks and she no longer acknowledges me.

MONDAY (December 24th):

One hour and twenty minutes late because I felt like it. Last day of this hell called employment and I confess I am so glad I got the job, did the job, got paid to do the job and survived the job. Everyone I worked with was a character which made work entertaining and I will miss them. At the end of this long, grouchy parent day (four hour wait this morning for pictures with Santa) we served 6751 families, parents, kids and old people. I recommend this job to anyone who is looking of a good story to tell their grandchildren someday and only do it once because every day feels like jetlag. Peace and word to your mutha!

ELF DIARIES: THE SEQUEL

2008 HOLIDAY SEASON

Hey, said I’d never do it again but Santa’s Workshop thought I did such a great job last season that they called me back.

FRIDAY:

Racist white woman wanted the schedule for all the white Santa’s since the year prior she came when there was a diversity Santa and it ruined her Christmas…wow. Not too long after, a small boy showed up and he was very excited that Santa came in “different colors”; there is balance in the universe. Later, an elf from last year came over to say hello and told us he had been fired last year during his Christmas Eve shift. He explained how sad it made him feel at the time and how he had cried when our manager, as a going away gift, gave him a box full of the seasons broken candy canes…I work with evil.

SATURDAY:

Reprimanded for being late.

SUNDAY:

Day off.

TUESDAY:

Reprimanded for being late. A little girl wearing argyle socks showed everyone in Santa’s Workshop her matching underwear.

WEDNESDAY:

Watched hidden camera footage of a woman stealing jeans with security guy instead of heading straight to my shift.

THURSDAY:

Two year old ate crud off the floor of the Santa’s Workshop, then tried to stick his finger in a light socket. Manager is mad at me so I am working outside in the cold for the entire shift…awesome!

WEDNESDAY:

Day off.

FULL MOON FRIDAY:

An elf told an angry parent that even though the line was three hours long “the wait is worth it as you will feel the love once you get in to see Santa”. The parent told the elf, “Oh yeah? Feel this.” then gave the elf the middle finger, grabbed his kid and left; elf was really hurt. Then a herd of drunk clowns came by, hit on me and scared the hell out of the children waiting in line. Security had to escort them out of the building. Later, two families got into a fight over possible line cutting; there was swearing and name calling by a grandmother. Santa’s Helper (usually works morning shift) had to sort it out. She later approached me and Michael Elf crying and told us she would never work the night shift again…this is her first season.

Michael Elf had to call security to remove a very inebriated man who was behaving inappropriately in front of Santa’s window. After work, the man followed Michael Elf to his bus stop, approached him and caused Michael to fall back into a fountain. Michael Elf rode the bus home wet and angry.

SATURDAY:

So cold outside I couldn’t feel my face. Objectified fellow elf’s ass - I miss my girlfriend. Parents angry when they ask how long the wait is to see Santa and I tell them three hours. If you don’t like the sound of it then don’t come on a Saturday. Hey mom and dad, guess what…I’m not a fucking genie! I am, however, a good kisser.

SUNDAY:

Nothing compared to Friday.

MONDAY:

Had the day off which is good as I would have otherwise started cutting myself.

TUESDAY:

Kids everywhere since school was canceled due to snow/ice. Parents couldn’t understand why the line was so long as they thought they were the only people on the planet.

WEDNESDAY:

Stared at crack in sidewalk.

THURSDAY:

Major snow day! No one in line to see Santa. Crashed car on way home since the roads were covered in ice; didn’t even make enough money at my crappy job to pay deductible…Santa sucks. However, it is good that I did not run over and kill any children playing in the street.

FRIDAY (December 24th):

Last day of work…didn’t show up since my car is crashed and the roads are impassible. Work called and asked if I would come in - I said sure if they could guarantee three things: pay off my mom’s school debt, create world peace and get me a spanking by Meryl Streep. I don’t think they will be calling me to work for them again next year.

THE ELF DIARIES: THE THRILLOGY

2011 HOLIDAY SEASON

Apparently, this particular holiday season wasn’t that interesting as I didn’t bother to write about it. I call it, “The Thrillogy” but perhaps it should be, “The Lost Season”. I’ll just chalk this one up to lots of sex, drugs and rock-n-roll. Maybe I hung out with Grace Jones and Harry Hamlin the whole time.

THE ELF DIARIES IV: RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS

2016 HOLIDAY SEASON

Any good sequel has Michael Myers or Freddie Kruger in the title. A few years have gone by and I figured I’ve give Santa some face time. This season hire includes a ton of teenagers which is good. I find this is the kind of work that teens need…builds character.

Friday November 25: Black Friday. Had the evening shift. Santa’s Lane was pretty dead. Apparently, parents were not interested in bringing their kids down into the mayhem of Black Lives Matter and election results protest traffic. Jesus even had a rep. walking around with a sign reminding us that he died for our sins. At least PETA didn’t show up again this year with their skinned dog posters they toted around all of the children waiting in line to see Santa…guess there were some tears last year.

Saturday: Had a two-year-old giant come in with severe ADD. Instead of sitting on Santa’s lap, he climbed on a rocking horse and proceeded to rock himself and the horse right the hell into oblivion. He hit the floor sideways and that was the end of his session.

Sunday: It is completely against the rules for me to write about the company I work for or my Santa experiences so I find myself writing this shit down in the stall of the ladies’ bathroom on my break.

Monday: Large dutch family came in. Their 15 yr old son (he was so big I thought he was a grown ass man) was offered some hot apple cider. “Cider! I fucking love it!” was his response. One of the teenage elves got in trouble with manager for eating the cookies left for customers. Another elf got in trouble for eating the candy canes. Lesson: Teens love to eat…anything lying around.

Tuesday: Had the day off

Wednesday: Had the day off

Thursday: Called in sick with a fever. I blame my job.

Friday: Still sick but showed up to work. Had my first angry mom of the season. She was tired of waiting in line with her two-year-old toddler. I acknowledged her feelings and then avoided her for the rest of the hour. Went to do some undercover reporting in my bathroom stall. The ladies room at my work looks like a scene out of Less Than Zero. Everyone is dressed in black on looks like Jamie Gertz. I haven’t seen any cocaine yet.

Saturday: Showed up to work and the Lane looked like shit. There was garbage on the floors, cookie crumbs everywhere, the line was completely disorganized. I had to yell at the teens in German to get things ship shape, “Schnell, Schnell! Es is schlecht!” Apparently, one of the Santa’s has a stalker so security guards have to hang out during his shift. The stalker is a middle-aged woman with a pink umbrella who has been pursuing Santa for about 6 years now.

Sunday: Seahawks game day so everybody is coming to get Santa pics in their Seahawks jersey’s. 7-year-old girl disappointedly tells her mom, “Mom, I should have asked Santa to dab.” I had to ask one of the teen elves what the hell ‘dab’ means? Type of dance move. I am at a loss

Monday: Large preschool group came in. They are from Magnolia. All of the moms looked the same – very thin, blonde and blue eyed. The group reminded me of an article I read about how during the 1950’s the largest group in the U.S. addicted to morphine was suburban house wives. They could even conveniently order their morphine kits in the Sears Catalog. After my shift, I noticed a number of fellow co-workers hanging around the security screen. Turns out a woman decided she was going to live inside the store. Security kept trying to chase her out.

Tuesday: Day off

Wednesday: Day off

Thursday: One of the teen elves told me about the ‘mannequin family’ that came in to visit Santa. Two young men came in with child sized mannequins (just the torsos with no arms) to get pictures taken. The mannequin children were wearing political t-shirts.

Saturday: One of the teen elves came in and learned she had to work the podium station outside. She said, “Oh. Fuck that” and left. She wasn’t fired. This whole time I could have been showing up super late, chewing gum, eating all the cookies and sucking on the candy canes!

Monday: Celebrity sighting…bumped into Governor Gregoire in the mall elevator after work. She is about 2 feet tall.

Thursday: Older flaming gay dads brought in their 4-year-old daughter to see Santa. I complimented one dad on his full-length fur coat – I am against fur coats (unless you live in the Yukon) but this jacket was stylin’. Why don’t men dress like that anymore? Faux fur works. When they finally got to Santa the dads took off their coats revealing their sequin blouses and got into the picture with their daughter. The rest of the parents waiting in line became less of a line of angry parents and more of a live studio audience. There were gasps of joy and appreciation.

Saturday: Celebrity sighting…Almost Live…Steve Wilson (High-fivin’ White Guys) came in. I was so star struck! The teen elves couldn’t understand why I was so excited…they weren’t born yet when this shit was happening. Well, Steve and I are now BFFs. We talked, laughed, shared stories…it was pretty amazing. He introduced me to his mom, brother, etc. He was very cool about the whole thing. I did not ask him to sign my boob (for my boob signing collection.) Not this time.

Friday: December 23rd and my last day. Came into work to discover Santa’s Lane almost caught on fire that morning. A light started smoking, the fire dept. came…it was chaos and the Lane smelled like burned rubber the rest of the day. Aside from that, it was a mellow shift as all of the ‘last minute’ families came in to get that one, special photo for posterity. I made some good coin, met some nice people and lived some stories. I think I did a good job and may be hired again next season if the opportunity strikes itself.

THE ELF DIARIES V: VALLEY OF THE DOLLS

2017 HOLIDAY SEASON

The Bat Light was activated. Elves were contacted. Santa needed me. We were told no costumes would be available. We were instructed to wear red, green or white clothes. As a veteran, I decided to fuck that and went to Goodwill and found a sweet Byrle-Ives-As-A-Snowman sweater vest…red.

FRIDAY NOVEMBER 25: BLACK FRIDAY

Macklemore and his daughter walked by. That’s it. That is all that happened. Yes, he was wearing his faux leopard print jacket from the thrift store.

Boss told us about an employee who got lost in the sub-basement and had to spend the night. So of course she took us down there to recycle cardboard boxes.

SUNDAY DECEMBER 3RD: FULL MOON

Small two-year-old girl in dress loses her shit when she gets close to Santa and makes a break for the decorative fake doors. Tries desperately to turn the knob and escape. Parents had to calm her with a candy cane and stuffed animal.

Handsome young man dressed as a fellow employee walks into the lane and stands next to parents who are taking pictures of their children with Santa. He complimented the parents on how beautiful their children were and that was my cue that he was not the children’s friendly uncle. I had to gently escort him out of the lane at which point he let me know he was really drunk. I was glad to see he was drinking Kombucha and water as he left.

THURSDAY

Working the night shift. Diva Santa is being mean to the elves. Not enough ice in his water and nobody is doing their jobs right. A little girl tells him she would like a jelly bean for Christmas. He chuckles and tells her she’s a cheap date.

FRIDAY

Night shift again. Listened to Tina Turners, “Better Be Good to Me” before shift. Santa’s still on his man period.

A three-year-old girl comes in. Her name is Florence. I drift off to thoughts of one of my female heroes growing up… waitress Flo from Alice’s Restaurant.

SUNDAY DECEMBER 10TH

8 hour wait at the Lane. We had to stop taking names at 11am since it was such a long wait.

One small boy asked Santa for a calculator…a calculator.

WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 20TH

Conan O’Brien walks by with his daughter.

FRIDAY DECEMBER 22nd

Disco Shirt Dads from last year came in. This year the long haired gypsy dad was wearing a black and gold…kimono.

SUNDAY DECEMBER 24TH: CHRISTMAS EVE

Last day of work! The line was pretty steady. Had a nice flow. Right up until a lady crossing the street out front got hit by a car. There was screaming, a rush of onlookers and my boss calling 911. Turns out a man wearing a white rainbow stripped jacket wasn’t paying attention while taking his free right and ran her ass over. She survived. So, even though someone was run over by a suburban, the holiday season went swimmingly. Our early 20-something bosses did a good job…didn’t micro-manage us to death and allowed us to work as a team essentially on our own. Heck, I even showed up to work on time this year…except for that one day. As far as popular kid names go, there was more diversity this year than in the past. Usually, about 100 Kaedens or Jordans or Owens come in, but not this year. Seems that Julia, Will and Sam are making a comeback. Still waiting to meet a baby Jennifer. That name is extinct for now. I think it will be considered ‘old fashioned’ in another 20 years when all of us ‘Jennifer’s’ are grandparents and therefore will be the new ‘it’ name. Just you wait. Till next season…

THE ELF DIARIES VI: THE MANDALORIAN SEASON 1

2019 HOLIDAY SEASON

ORIENTATION

Whenever we work for Santa we have to attend an 'orientation' which means we all watch videos, eat snacks and listen to all of the Santa's talk about how great they are. This year 75% of new hires are high school students which is pretty great as I didn't realize high school students in Seattle actually felt any compulsion to have a job. There were 7 Santa's and we had to listen to every single one talk about himself. There was one Mrs. Claus who wasn't interested.

We got new uniforms which hasn't happened in years...yay...it's a new hat...made of felt that I could have made myself from parts I purchased at Ben Franklin. Lots of budget issues going on.

DAY ONE: BLACK FRIDAY

Ended up late to first day of work due to a parade I didn't realize was happening. However, I did see my oldest son dressed up and performing in the marching band so I made sure to hang my head out of the car and holler at him in order to embarrass him a bit. I don't think he was embarrassed so I need to work on that. Met Mrs. Claus' adult daughter. Wow, hottie alert! Had a conversation with fellow lady elves about goddess worship and what bullshit it was that there are 7 Santa's and we had to listen to them bragging about how great they are...maybe it's all they have.

MONDAY

Turns out we had started making fresh cookies again the season before since the prewrapped cookies were an epic fail. The in-house café made them for about a week and then stopped since guests weren't eating them and they had to be thrown into the garbage. The café was pissed and said 'never again'! So, this year...no cookies at all.

Found out that Friendly Santa’s' annual holiday stalker had made an appearance and so we were all notified to be on high alert for the woman with the pink umbrella.

THURSDAY

Slow and boring. Grateful to watch pigeons fighting on the sidewalk.

FRIDAY

I remembered from past years that guests who bring their dogs are very grateful when we offer up high quality dog treats so I got some duck jerky at Mudbay. One family declined because their bulldog is vegan. What. The. Fuck.

I got to work with Friendly Santa and he called me over to him to inform me that his stalker was watching us through the window, "Have you ever seen a more diabolical looking person before?" I had to call security to come and escort her out of the area. She genuinely looked like a suburban housewife so diabolical didn't enter my mind but apparently that shit scares the hell out of Santa.

SATURDAY

Lots of trans and queer guests today. Oh, and redheads. My childhood pharmacist was there so we got to catch up on the hometown scene and how he is spending his retirement. Later, someone mentioned Lamonts and us grey hairs got to reminiscing about Pay-N-Save and Ernst Hardware. The 75% high school students had never heard of any of these places but did recognize JCPenny and Sears (sorta).

One six year old asked Santa for a nanny cam and another small child asked for a screw to carry in his pocket. Whatever.

MONDAY

A friend from out of town stopped by to say hello so I snuck out and we met up in the bathroom to gossip about life. We used to skip class in middle school and drink wine coolers from hair spray bottles. Now we talk about marriage, kids and perimenopause. Not quite the same.

THURSDAY

The only interesting thing today...the elves working outside had to use hand warmers.

That is it! That was my season. As it gets more and more organized and running smooth it starts losing the chaos, angry feelings and disappointment of the olden days which, of course, makes for the best stories. PETA didn't show up with images of dead animals to protest the selling/wearing of fur coats, the Drunk Santa group didn't pass through, that dad who punched another dad in the face wasn't there cause his kid aged out and the 20 year old managers actually had their shit together so I didn't feel angry all of the time. Maybe next year?

crystal liston